The death of someone we know, especially through violence, is one of the most devastating experiences family, friends, coworkers, or community can face. Understandably, parents and caregivers want to protect children from painful realities, but children generally cope better when they receive truthful, developmentally appropriate information from a trusted adult.
While graphic details should be avoided, children benefit from clear, honest explanations that help them understand what has happened while reassuring them that they are safe, supported, and cared for. By creating an environment where children feel safe to ask questions and share their emotions, parents and caregivers can help them navigate grief with honesty, security, and compassion.
Every child experiences grief differently, but the guidance below can help you have honest, supportive conversations based on your child's age and stage of development. Below, you'll find age-specific guidance to help support those conversations.
Ages 5–7
Use honest, concrete language while avoiding unnecessary details.
Encourage the child to express their feelings through conversation, play, art, or other activities.
Reassure them regularly about their own safety.
Ages 8–10
Provide factual information without unnecessary details that matches the child's maturity and readiness.
Acknowledge that the child may experience many different emotions, sometimes changing from day to day.
Encourage ongoing conversations and answer questions honestly as they arise.
Balance discussions about safety with reassurance that violent events like this are uncommon.
Explain, in simple terms, the roles of law enforcement.
Balance discussions about safety with reassurance that violent events like this are uncommon.
Ages 11–13
Offer more complete and honest information while continuing to avoid graphic details.
Understand that preteens may struggle with questions about why people commit acts of violence.
Encourage healthy emotional expression and remind them that grief looks different for everyone.
Help them navigate conversations with peers and exposure to news or social media.
Encourage them to spend time with their peers for emotional support.
Ages 14–18
Provide truthful and direct information while respecting their growing maturity.
Include them in appropriate family discussions and decisions related to memorials, funerals, or other ways of honoring the person who died.
Talk openly about grief, trauma, and the range of emotional responses they may experience.
Encourage healthy coping strategies and supportive relationships with trusted adults and peers.
Discuss the impact of social media, rumors, and graphic content, and encourage them to seek accurate information from trusted sources.
Messages for Every Age:
Throughout the grieving process, children benefit from hearing these messages repeatedly:
- You are loved.
- You are safe.
- This was not your fault.
- It is okay to feel sad, angry, confused, numb, or scared.
- There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
- You can ask questions whenever you have them.
- It is okay to talk about the person who died and remember them.
- There will always be adults who will care for and support you.
- We will get through this together.
Avoid
Sharing graphic or disturbing details.
Providing more information than the child is asking for or able to understand.
Speculating about motives or assigning blame beyond the known facts.
Discouraging expressions of grief or expecting children to "be strong."
Recommended Books on Grief
Children's Books on Grief (Ages 4–12)
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
Reassures children that love and connection remain even after someone dies.
When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown & Marc Brown
Directly addresses questions children have about death.
The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld
Excellent for helping children understand feelings after a traumatic event.
Books for Teens
A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness
A powerful story about grief, difficult emotions, and healing.
The Grief Keeper by Alexandra Villasante
Explores grief, loss, and resilience.
Healing Your Grieving Heart for Teens by Alan Wolfelt
Practical activities and reflections for grieving adolescents.
Books for Adults
It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine
One of the most recommended books for navigating traumatic grief.
Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore
Especially helpful after sudden, tragic, or violent loss.
Option B by Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant
Focuses on resilience after unexpected loss.
